i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
