dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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