Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
