Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
