yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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