Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
jump out the window naked night went bad
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