While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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