Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
