The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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