Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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