I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
