I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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