Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
