I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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