Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
