she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
