When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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