Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
