WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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