he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
