it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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