Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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