My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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