i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
