i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
