I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
