and next time when you feel me up, do it right
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
