i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize