The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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