She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
