you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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