If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
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my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.