Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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