keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
