Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
