I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
