You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
