I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
