marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
