She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
