She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
