I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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