It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
bring money and cleavage
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Shame - the story of my life.
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