when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There are leaves in my underwear?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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