That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
