my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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