Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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