I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
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So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize