It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
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they call him Oral-B. enough said
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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