I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
