He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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