i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
