omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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