hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
